In the overflow of social and ad targeting media of today, it is far too easy to look at yourself and feel like you’re failing on every level. You see people working hard, making money, looking fantastic, and still have time to bullet journal. All of these perfect people make you think about yourself in a new, harsher light and then your brain goes down the rabbit hole of how to improve yourself so that you can be just like them.
The thing is, its easy to over think how you’re going to improve yourself and much harder to actually follow through. I am a PRO at thinking about and planning for how I’m going to be an amazing person one day. I suck at actually executing any of those plans. Most of this is due to my overthinking and unrealistic goals of being perfect. I talk myself out of the little things because I focus too hard on the big ones. Example: Drinking more water a day gets pushed to the side because I’m trying to science out how I can magically lose twenty pounds in two weeks in time for that party I said I would go to but actually I probably won’t because I love the idea of going out but then hate actually having to put on pants and a bra to go out let alone speaking to people.
I have no idea how I found someone to love and marry me. It defies all logic.
Over the course of the past year, I’ve been trying to formulate an actual plan based on actual facts and realistic expectations in order to feel better about myself. Nearly ten years ago, I was diagnosed with Ovarian Cysts and Endometriosis and need to have surgery. The result of that was mixed. I quit smoking (Yay!) but slowly began to gain weight, topping out at nearly forty pounds over my normal size. The ego blow and self esteem issue has been huge. I wish it hadn’t taken me ten years to figure out what was wrong, but it did. So what was my epiphany moment? Positivity doesn’t work on me. As soon as I realized that one of my main problems was trying to be like the positive, happy, healthy people on YouTube/Instagram/Twitter, my brain felt lighter. I began to read books like “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” by Mark Manson and “The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking” by Oliver Burkeman and saw that I was not alone. What I learned (but deep down already knew) was that not being positive does not mean you aren’t happy. My brain isn’t wired that way. I’m a cynical, sarcastic, somewhat pessimistic bitch at times and that’s OK. Because that’s me.
Then I began to rethink (always with the thinking) how I think. Its, also, when I began to stop wanting a magical perfect life and lowered the bar a bit. A simple, basic life. One where my family was safe and taken care of. One where we had enough money to be comfortable while still having the means to splurge on luxuries every once in while. One where we are able to do what we want and love and if that means having a job that isn’t necessarily our dream and passion, then that’s OK. The purpose of a job is to make money so you can live. Hobbies are hobbies. They don’t have to make you boat loads of money to be useful or enjoyable.
I have always been in a love/hate relationship with writing. It is what I am and yet the expectations I have put on myself in order to be The Best Writer Who Ever Lived have kept me from truly pursuing it until now. What better way to document my journey, and maybe help others on theirs, then writing it out. This is the first step in my Basic Life Goal. Start this blog, create art, stop expecting magical things to happen.